Many of us struggle with children who are not achieving to their potential. We long for this to become reality: “whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might” (Eccl. 9:10). We want them to strive for wisdom, to know Wisdom. Charles Bridges states that not until “wisdom entereth into thine heart” (Prov. 2: 10) will the heart find its proper Object, its true Resting Place. He notes that “clear knowledge floating in the head is deep ignorance. While it glitters in the understanding, it is dry, speculative, and barren.” Our prayer for our children is that their restless hearts may find rest in Christ. (Augustine) As you read this series of articles, the goal is not to make you feel guilty that you are doing things wrong. Rather, the goal is to provide a path that can help you help your child be successful in school by encouraging the child (more and more) to take full responsibility. We must also note that this guidance is for most, but not all, school age children. Children who have learning disabilities or other difficulties need extra help, which we are trying to provide for with our resource help. (We hope to address a future article on this subject.) These articles are specifically for children who we know can do well in school if they took responsibility, but choose not to. Many parents fall into a trap. When homework takes center stage, and consumes so much parent time, some people—even some professionals—might say that “Billy” is using homework to “manipulate” and get attention from his parents. But the fact that a certain behavior results in the child getting attention doesn’t mean the child is seeking attention. Besides, young children aren’t generally capable of thinking in sophisticated and insightful terms about themselves and the impact their behavior is having on others. They don’t sit around conspiring against their parents, devising clever ways of pulling the proverbial rug out from under them. Problems of this sort usually have their roots early in the child’s development. In most instances, they stem back to precedents set before the child was four years old. The manner in which parents handle certain issues when they first come up in the parent-child relationship not only sets the tone for how these same issues will be handled in the future, but also determines how ongoing they will be. If, in particular, parents set dysfunctional precedents concerning responsibility and autonomy—the two issues most germane to the subject of homework—then these issues will keep coming up in the parent-child relationship. Each time the issue comes up, it’s likely to wear a new “disguise.” Let’s speculate, for example, that when it was time for Billy to learn to use the toilet, his parents hovered anxiously over him, worrying about “accidents.” Their hovering interfered with Billy’s ability to take autonomous responsibility for this important learning process. The more they hovered, therefore, the more accidents he had. The more accidents he had, the more anxious his parents became, and the more they hovered. Unbeknownst to Billy’s parents, they were not only their own—and Billy’s—worst enemy, they were also building a trap that would ensnare all of them whenever the issues of responsibility and autonomy arose in the parent-child relationship. When these issues first came up—as they did with toilet training—no one learned to handle them in a functional manner. So when they came up again, although in different form, people just fell back into their same old dysfunctional ways. When it was time for Billy to start picking up after himself around the house and keep his room orderly, he started having “accidents.” The more accidents he had, the more his parents hovered and nagged and nothing was accomplished. To this day, he still does not pick up after himself or keep his room straight. Who does? Guess. When it was time for Billy to begin getting himself up in the morning and dressing himself on time for school, he started having “accidents.” He fiddled around in the morning, which aroused his parents’ anxiety, which caused them to begin hovering, which resulted in nothing getting accomplished. To this day, he still does not get up by himself and prepare himself properly and on time for school. Who gets him up? Who makes sure he gets to school on time? Guess. So, when it was time for Billy to accept responsibility for his homework, guess what? Right! He started having “accidents.” And ‘round and ‘round go Billy and his parents in the same old rut. This is not manipulation. This is not attention seeking behavior. This is a soap opera, and no one knows quite how they got into the roles they’re playing. No one knows exactly what they’re doing, no one knows why they’re doing it, and no one knows how to stop. It is like a person hitting a golf ball. If he keeps slicing it to the right, he will over-compensate and trying to hit it more left. This is what Billy’s parents are doing. Instead of addressing the root cause of the problem, they—along with his teacher and guidance counselor—are compensating for it. His teacher is checking and initialing Billy’s assignment notebook; his mother goes on “The Great Homework Hunt” and then makes sure Billy has everything he needs to do his work; she orchestrates “The Homework Marathon” and makes sure the homework is in his book-bag before he leaves for school in the morning. What’s the root cause? To put it in simple terms, Billy’s lazy. Call it irresponsibility, if you prefer a bigger word. And the more everyone else hovers and takes on his responsibilities, the more lazy/irresponsible Billy becomes. Likewise, in order to cure Billy’s problem, everyone’s going to have to stop compensating for it—everyone’s going to have to let it come out in the open, exposed to the curative powers of the sun. That means everyone must stop being responsible for Billy’s home- work and let Billy be responsible for it on his lonesome. In other words, everyone is going to have to do absolutely nothing. They’re going to have to stop aiming left. I can hear some of you saying, “Do nothing? You must be kidding!” That’s right, do nothing, at least for a time. Let the problem come out in the open. Stop trying to hide it. Remember the first of our three facts of life? You can’t correct a problem and compensate for it at the same time. No one will know just exactly what the problem looks like until it can be seen in its awful entirety. The teacher needs to stop checking Billy’s assignment notebook. If he wants to write his assignments down, fine. If not, that’s fine too. His mother needs to stop going on “The Great Homework Hunt,” stop hovering, stop orchestrating “The Homework Marathon,” and stop making sure his bookbag is correctly packed in the morning. In short, stop being such a responsible parent and let Billy come to grips with some responsibility for a change. It’s high time, wouldn’t you all agree? “But won’t that just give Billy permission to be as lazy as he wants?” Now you’re getting it! Remember, the problem has to get worse before it can get better. That’s the way it is in golf and that’s the way it is in homework and that’s probably the way it is in all of life, wherever and whenever people have been compensating for problems instead of doing what they must to truly solve them. At this point, there are, no doubt, many of you out there who think I’m completely off my rocker. You’re shaking your heads, making little noises of confusion and disgust, you may even be a moment or two away from throwing this newsletter in the trash. If you’re upset with me, it’s only because I’m disturbing the compensations that have become embedded in your thought processes. You see, for every compensation that takes place in a person’s behavior, there is a parallel compensation in his or her thinking. As I disturb those compensations, things get worse before they get better. In other words, you get upset. If you’ll bear with me, however, things will get better. Slowly. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. To be continued. If you can’t wait anymore for things to get better (more of the solution), you can purchase a book for $3.58 + shipping on Amazon. (Adapted from Ending the Homework Hassle by John Rosemond.)
The Homework Marathon Continues
